“Can a birth mother change her mind?” The most common fear that hopeful adoptive parents have is that the birth mother changes her mind and that the adoption will come to an end. At my adoption agency, we do all that we can to make sure that we are alert to potential “red flags” in each of the adoption situations. We make sure that the adoptive families are aware of the details of each potential match before they proceed with the adoption.
But no matter how hard we try, there is always a chance that an adoption reclaim can happen. Birth parents have the option to change their minds about adoption and choose to raise their child themselves, which is their legal right. Until they officially sign consent forms to place the child for adoption, the child remains legally theirs.
When I adopted, my son’s birth mother changed her mind twice. In the end, it all worked out, and it is one of the reasons I’m helping birth parents and adoptive parents today! Here, I share what to do if this happens to you and signs that a birth mother will change her mind.
Tips to Follow If the Birth Mother Changes Her Mind
Don’t panic.
Remember, regardless of what happens, your plan to adopt will go on. In some cases, the time that you spent matched can be added back to your contract.
Grieve your loss.
When an adoption fails to follow through, it can be very painful. Some families that have experienced adoption reclaims need to seek counseling and can find it very helpful in their healing. There is always a counselor that is available to you if you want to talk about your loss or to learn ways to help you through the grieving process.
Remain positive.
Adoption is something that really does work! Make sure that you try to stay positive and remember that all birth mothers and birth parents are different. Do not carry the fear of your first loss over to the new birth mother.
Have a support group.
Sometimes, people don’t know what to say when the birth mother changes her mind and an adoption falls through. Let your friends and loved ones know you are willing to accept their support. In addition, let them know how they can support you during this adoption loss.
Stay available.
The birth mother may continue to reach out to you or to try and call you. Even though it can be difficult, try to keep positive with her. Staying open with the birth mother is crucial because she might even realize that she cannot parent. If she can stay close to you and feel comfortable with you, she might call you to help her if she changes her mind again. This happened when I adopted my son!
Don’t give up.
Even though it is hard now, it will all be worth the pain when you finally bring your new child home. It is encouraging to know that most families who have had an adoption loss will look back and see that the situation as “meant to be” because the child that joins their family was the right child for their family and all at the right time.
If you have been waiting a long time to bring your new child home from the hospital and you get a call that says, “I’m sorry, the birth mother changed her mind,” then you will know and understand the nightmare that many adoptive parents face.
When Birth Mothers Change Their Mind About Adoption
One of the biggest fears that adoptive parents face is that the birth mother will make an adoption plan and then change her mind before the adoption becomes official.
Typically, a birth mother will not change her mind after their baby is placed with an adoptive family. I have seen research indicating that out of 800 adoptions, only 11 have changed their mind after they place their baby with a family. When this happens, it will be very painful for the soon-to-be parents. The pain of losing the baby after he or she is born is horrible. However, it’s harder to deal with situations where the new parents become attached before the baby is reclaimed.
Make sure when you choose adoption that you do your research. It is important to ask the adoption professional what percentage of birth mothers actually go through with the adoption. If the numbers are high, this is a good sign, but if there are a lot of mothers that change their mind and the adoptions do not go through, chances are you should find a new adoption professional. Something might be wrong with their policies or procedures. If it seems like a lot of birth mothers at the agency are changing their minds, move to another one.
Building Your Family
When you choose to adopt, the birth mother needs to feel that she is making the decision of the adoption and that other people are not forcing her to place. When birth mothers are pressured into adoption by their parents, the birth father, or someone else, it can cause them to have more grief than the birth mother who made the choice on her own.
A birth mother in her second or third trimester will less likely change their mind about putting their child up for adoption. A birth mother in her first trimester will likely be facing more pressure and stress. The baby might not even seem real to her at this point. When the baby begins to kick and move around, the birth mother comes to face the situation and will know if she wants to give her baby up for adoption or not.
Most women will give clues as to what they are thinking. Her counselor or Adoption Coordinator needs to know if she might be considering keeping her child or putting the child up for adoption. Even though no one can truly predict if a birth mother will change her mind, some significant signs include:
- The birth mother is under the age of 17.
- No future goals or career ideas.
- She is living in a large city.
- Coming from a single-parent home.
- Being non-religious.
- Living with the birth father.
- Having parents that do not want her to put her baby up for adoption.
- She is living with her parents.
- She did not complete high school.
- Her parents did not complete any schooling beyond high school.
- Birth mother is on welfare.
- Birth mother has friends who have babies and want the same for her.
- Had a difficult delivery.
- People are pressuring her to put her baby up for adoption.
Signs She’ll Change Her Mind About Adoption
Never assume that the birth mother is going to change her mind. But, if she fits some items on the list above, there is a higher risk that she might still change her mind. Nothing is absolute until the adoption is official.
You might feel that some of these factors should encourage the birth mother to put her baby up for adoption instead of turning away from it, but in most cases, these things mean that the birth mother has not reached maturity. At a young age, the birth mother is more likely influenced by her parents and peers. If her friends have babies, she might decide to parent as well.
A woman who is older might decide that adoption is the best thing for her child, and she will less likely be influenced to change her mind about adoption. Education is another big factor. The less educated the birth mother is, the more likely she will choose to parent the child instead of putting the baby up for adoption. This might happen because if the mother doesn’t have a career goal, then she might see being a parent as her career.
No one knows for sure why women change their minds about adoption after having a hard delivery. Sometimes the birth mother is worried about her baby, so she will develop a deep attachment. Or, she may feel that this child might be the only one she can have. If the birth mother is pregnant and on public assistance, she will not see a problem with getting welfare and raising her child on it. On the other hand, a woman who is against accepting public aid might choose adoption instead.
If It Happens to You
If you are planning on an adoption and the birth mother changes her mind, what should you do?
Especially if she’s in a crisis, the pregnancy might not seem real to a birth mother in her first or second trimester. Most of the time, you need to wait until the birth mother is past the second trimester to really rely on adopting the baby. Do not count on adopting the baby of a woman who is only a couple of weeks or months pregnant. Patience helps. Build a relationship with the birth mother and her family.
When the birth mother has truly committed to the adoption and then changes her mind, it usually happens right after birth. Sometimes giving birth makes her realize that she wants to be a mom. Sometimes, the birth itself will have a substantial impact. The birth mother sees her baby, experiences love at first sight and decides that she wants to parent. The birth mother’s decision can also be affected by other people, like her relatives or the baby’s birth father. Most women do not decide months after the baby is born that they want the baby back.
If the adoption does fall through because the birth mother decides she doesn’t want to do adoption, it is painful. It hurts, even if you never got to see the baby. You felt in your heart that it was already your baby, and it might also discourage you from the idea of ever wanting to deal with adoption again. It might seem like it is too painful or too hard. You will need time to grieve. But after a few months, you will decide to try again. In the end, you will end up with your very own beautiful baby boy or girl.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on December 29, 2019, and has since been updated.
