Decades ago, almost every adoption was closed. Back then, people thought that closed adoption was best for the child. Today’s adoptions look much different. An estimated 95% of domestic adoptions now have some level of openness between adoptive parents and birth parents.
An open adoption is an arrangement where people, previously strangers, unite through the gift of adoption, bound by their shared love and commitment to the child’s well-being.
Even though there are varying kinds and levels of openness in open adoptions, there are healthy traits that many have in common. Here are 6 traits that adoptive families should strive for in healthy open adoptions:
1. Clear-Cut Expectations
If you want to have a healthy open adoption, you need to set clear-cut expectations. As you decide on what level of openness you’d welcome, think about the expectations you’d like to set, too. How often will you send the birth parents emails? How often will you call or text them? How will social media play a role in your relationship with the birth family? How do you feel about the birth parents contacting you by surprise? While these questions might feel uncomfortable now, asking honest questions is the best way to set clear expectations.
When adoptive and birth parents establish a mutually agreed-upon Post Adoption Contact Agreement (PACA) before the adoption, it helps set clear expectations. This agreement can serve as a helpful guide in navigating their ongoing relationship.
2. Integrity
Keeping your promises is essential for any healthy relationship. When it comes to your open adoption, you’ll probably make several promises, such as sending emails after placement. Every pledge you make in connection with your open adoption is significant. Breaking the trust of your baby’s birth parents is the last thing you want to do.
Know that you don’t have to agree to more than you can handle. It’s lots easier to add more openness to an adoption relationship than to try and remove it. Start small by developing your relationship in a feasible way in which you’re not over-committing. As time passes, you’ll get a better sense of which promises you can make and honor.
3. A Desire to Learn
I encourage you to thoroughly educate yourself about the adoption process and the range of emotions it involves. This will help you avoid misconceptions, like viewing adoption solely as “saving a child,” and allow you to see it as an experience filled with both joy and loss.
One of the top traits of great adoptive parents is that they desire to learn more. Even though accepting that you’re a novice in the subject of open adoption might be difficult, it’s essential to becoming a healthy adoptive parent. There will be lots of things that you don’t know, and that’s OK. As long as you remain open to learning new things, you’ll position yourself for success.
4. Willingness to Face Difficult Emotions
As you seek an open adoption, you’ll probably face a wide range of emotions, some of them negative. You might fear that the birth mother will change her mind and try to get her baby back. You might worry that having two sets of parents will confuse your child. These emotions and thoughts are normal. However, the truth is, most birth mothers put in countless hours developing an adoption plan to ensure their child transitions smoothly into their new family. The last thing they want is to return and disrupt what they have carefully arranged.
When worries and concerns come up, remind yourself that they’re justified. Becoming a parent through adoption is a big responsibility, but also a big opportunity. If you start to feel fearful, remind yourself of all the benefits that creating a family through adoption provides.
5. Prioritizes the Child
The adopted child should take priority over everything else. Every step of the way, their well-being should be considered first. Open adoption allows children to understand their origins and helps them embrace their identity. By maintaining contact between birth parents and adoptive families through visits, letters, and photos, the child gains insight into their heritage and medical history. This connection supports their ability to shape their unique personality and sense of self as they grow.
6. Flexibility
Try to keep a level of flexibility, because things change. Your baby’s birth mother may request visits, emails, and texts, but years later not have the need to stay in touch as much. The amount and level of contact may change as your child gets older.
Be flexible as you build a level of openness that is comfortable for both you and for the birth family. The level of openness in your relationship will depend upon many factors, such as how far away you live from the birth family. In addition, some adoptive couples communicate with more than one member of the birth family.
Open adoption can be complicated, but it’s so worth it. Once you decide that open adoption is the way you’ll become parents, it’s time to start cultivating the traits of successful open adoptive parents. Even though the six traits described above are by no means comprehensive, they’re part of the strong foundation that you can begin building now.
Do you have questions about open adoption? Are you thinking about adopting? Call my adoption agency, Lifetime Adoption, at 727-493-0933 to get answers from the experts and learn the initial steps to take with adoption.
